Wednesday, September 12, 2007

BEST OF: "Stick to your ribs" has new meaning

It’s a Friday afternoon. We’re tired from the long week, and we’ve shopped at the grocery stores and farmers market. We unload and put away all that food and then are too weary to fix and eat it.

It’s a familiar syndrome: “I just bought $200 worth of food, and there’s nothing to eat.”

Planning ahead on a recent Friday, we bought take-out from Linn’s barbecue booth and then ate our meal at the Cambria Community Cemetery.

It’s a peaceful, fairly private place in which to immerse ourselves in a delightfully gooey meal of glazed chicken and the sticky, saucy barbecued pork. (Get thee behind us, Satan — with a cardiologist-triggered guilty conscience, we took the leftovers home and froze them for another indulgence.)

Bless Handi Wipes.

As I mopped barbecue sauce off far-flung sections of my body (how did I get it on my ankle?), I wondered what makes sticky foods so special, so decadent.

Yum. Toffee apples and grilled cheese sandwiches, caramel-marshmallow sundaes and chocolate fondue, and yes, the barbecues of many nations. There’s even a highly celebrated breakfast roll called a sticky bun.

My teeth and hips may pay the tariff, but all that goo enriches my soul somehow. Must be a throwback to our cave-person days. Maybe fire-glazed mastodon was sticky, too.

Making gooey things at home has its hazards, as anyone who has ever fast-flipped a pan of fresh-out-of-the-oven sticky buns can attest.

While pastries, cakes and breads require some precision in measuring and following recipes, other sticky recipes often do not. Toss together a dab of this, a splash of that. If it’s not exactly as the recipe laid out, it’ll probably taste just fine anyway.

A few successes at such culinary improv can do wonders for a cook’s confidence. From there, it’s dangerously easy to jump over that fine line between capable and cocky.

The results of such self-assurance can join the ranks of other family food disasters, like Aunt Maude’s oven-forged pot roast or the too-liquid cake that boiled merrily in the oven, instead of baking.

At this stage in this report, the unkind in our family would nod knowingly and recall my infamous Chinese-style sticky ribs.

These lusciously sticky baby backs simmer in an ever-reducing sweet/salty liquid, rather than baking in an oven or being barbecued on a hot grill. The soy/sugar/chili flavor steeps into the meat during the course of a half-hour or more on the stove, eventually forming a spicy, caramel-like glaze on the outside of the ribs.

The process requires a stirring schedule that dawdles along for what seems like forever, and then accelerates from zero to 60 mph in the frenzied twist of an overworked wrist.

When the ribs are done, the glaze is thickly gooey like no other food. It’s sticky enough to fill cavities — or cause them. It’s slightly spicy, dark and richly laced with thick soy sauce, not the wimpy supermarket stuff.

For our party, I couldn’t find the recipe, but felt I remembered it well enough to wing it.

Bad move.

Everything smelled and felt right until the too-late-to-switch, critical-mass stage of the last five minutes, when the stirring regime is like Irish step dancing for the arms.

By then, all our guests were hanging around the kitchen, watching my frenzy.

I thought the rib mixture felt denser than usual, but mentally wrote it off to some weather condition rather than my own stupidity.

One of our friends grabbed a rib as soon as I took them off the stove, said “It smells wonderful!” and bit off a big bite.

His eyes widened a little, and then I noticed he wasn’t chewing. He wasn’t swallowing. He was … stuck.

“Cnnnnttttoppppppnnnnnnnmmmmtttttttttthhh,” he said, hands waving around, but teeth firmly clenched together.

In fact, firmly doesn’t begin to describe it.

Once we translated (“I can’t open my mouth”), we frantically started dreaming up remedies, none of which were workable.

Prying his jaw open wasn’t an option, as he had some pricey implants and bridgework.

Sipping hot tea through a straw sounded good, but anything hot enough to dislodge the stickum would have burned his mouth AND melted the straw.

Other ideas — like using my kitchen torch, dynamite or chisels — seemed a tad over the top.

In the end, we let time and saliva work their magic on the culinary Super Glue. The molars stayed put ... but the ribs went into the garbage.

Dinner was a little late. Thank heavens the rest of the menu was soft stuff.

I’m assuming that wasn’t the end of the incident. I can, however, only imagine what happened a night or two later, when neighborhood raccoons raided the trashcan.

This column was published March 6, 2003, in The Cambrian.

179 comments:

loa said...

Kathe Tanner is one of your finest columnists.
In these days of woe and bad news, we all need a laugh and a "bright side" view of life. Kathe provides that for us, and then some.
Go Kathe!

Anonymous said...

hydrocodone no prescription generic hydrocodone kidney - cheap generic hydrocodone no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy diazepam online valium natural drug - online pharmacy reviews valium

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol how can i buy tramadol online - good online pharmacy tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy generic tramadol no prescription tramadol dosage canine weight - buy tramadol online dogs

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod online buy tramadol online us pharmacy - buy tramadol online no prescription cheap

Anonymous said...

can you buy tramadol online tramadol for dogs forum - tramadol for dogs dose rate

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online zoloft and klonopin for anxiety - klonopin 4 times/day

Anonymous said...

tramadol online buy ultram uk - tramadol lawsuit

Anonymous said...

tramadol 100mg gradual withdrawal tramadol - tramadol 50 mg side effects

Anonymous said...

tramadol online buy tramadol uk cheap - tramadol with alcohol

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online klonopin high blood pressure medication - get klonopin online no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy lorazepam online lorazepam 1 mg dose - cheap ativan online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol overnight cod tramadol 50 mg addictive - buy tramadol us pharmacy

Anonymous said...

buy ativan online ativan dosage for high - ativan dosage effects

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol street value 50 mg - tramadol dosage in canine

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online buy tramadol for cheap - is it legal to get tramadol online

Anonymous said...

ambien on line ambien buy online - purchase ambien on line

Anonymous said...

clonazepam no prescription low dose klonopin for anxiety - klonopin 93 832

Anonymous said...

order carisoprodol soma edo - buy soma watson pain relief

Anonymous said...

ambien buy ambien drug schedule - buy ambien pills online

Anonymous said...

buy ativan online ativan vs xanax dose - ativan side effects kids

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol order tramadol online check - tramadol 50 mg withdrawal

Anonymous said...

klonopin pill buy clonazepam online india - klonopin withdrawal support group

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol mastercard can you buy tramadol in greece - order tramadol cod overnight

Anonymous said...

buy ativan online ativan nursing - ativan withdrawal plan

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol 50mg for dogs usa - tramadol generic for ultram

Anonymous said...

online soma soma san diego myspace - soma medical center

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol buy tramadol without rx - tramadol high side effects

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol discount card - tramadol vicodin high

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online klonopin 2 mg erowid - klonopin wafers recall

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol overnight shipping - tramadol dosage vicodin

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma todos medos online dublado - buy generic soma online

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online overnight klonopin withdrawal jaw pain - roche klonopin 2mg

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod next day delivery tramadol hcl 50 mg picture - tramadol hcl 50 mg tablet

Anonymous said...

cheapest ambien ambien dosage male - buy ambien without rx

Anonymous said...

buy cheap ambien ambien overdose dangers - ambien cr coupon 2012

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol hydrochloride buy online - safe place buy tramadol online

Anonymous said...

buy lorazepam ativan and xanax interaction - ativan 1mg tablets

Anonymous said...

online soma soma san diego vampire weekend - soma pills sleep

Anonymous said...

order ambien online no prescription ambien cr side effects anger - ambien lamictal drug interactions

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online without prescription buy tramadol online - buy tramadol saturday delivery

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online 2mg klonopin pill - klonopin withdrawal insomnia

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod overnight discount tramadol online - buy tramadol uk pharmacy

Anonymous said...

online soma soma san diego boys like girls - will soma show up urine drug test

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online no prescription cheap tramadol high 100mg - buy tramadol online overnight shipping

Anonymous said...

order viagra prescription can u buy viagra online - order brand viagra online

Anonymous said...

sildenafil no prescription buy viagra online canada no prescription - buy generic viagra united states

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online without prescription ambien drug name - ambien side effects for men

Anonymous said...

tramadol online buy ultram online cod - what's the tramadol high like

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol online overnight mastercard - tramadol hcl ultram er

Anonymous said...

generic ambien ambien lipitor drug interactions - ambien cr printable coupon

Anonymous said...

generic ambien xanax ambien drug interactions - can you buy ambien canada

Anonymous said...

buy viagra pills online buy cheap viagra online australia - viagra buy boots

Anonymous said...

best buy tramadol cheap tramadol pay us - legal buy tramadol online canada

Anonymous said...

tramadol no rx tramadol online overnight shipping - buy tramadol 6914

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online can you drug test ambien - ambien side effects men

Anonymous said...

buy viagra buy viagra online tesco - cheap viagra 100

Anonymous said...

generic ambien ambien cr trip - ambien side effects while pregnant

Anonymous said...

viagra buy when is generic viagra going to be available - viagra high blood pressure

Anonymous said...

viagra online purchase viagra - order viagra canada pharmacy

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol 100mg online buy tramadol egypt - order tramadol online to florida

Anonymous said...

buy viagra viagra without prescriptions illegal - how to buy viagra online canada

Anonymous said...

klonopin klonopin and ambien - buy clonazepam online india

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol overnight shipping can you buy tramadol uk - what is tramadol hcl 50 mg used for

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online ambien side effects aggressive behavior - can fail drug test ambien

Anonymous said...

soma online generic name soma muscle relaxer - soma little rock

Anonymous said...

where to order viagra buy viagra online with a mastercard - viagra over 60s

Anonymous said...

cialis online legitimate online pharmacy cialis - cialis online usa pharmacy

Anonymous said...

buy viagra cialis online viagra online xl - viagra altitude sickness dosage

Anonymous said...

cialis pills cheap generic cialis from canada - cialis professional user reviews

Anonymous said...

cheap soma generic soma capsules - buy soma chocolate

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online overnight viagra pfizer - viagra for sale

Anonymous said...

order viagra online without a prescription buy generic viagra online india - 6-apb viagra

Anonymous said...

generic sildenafil viagra online drugstore - best viagra for women

Anonymous said...

soma medication soma vs zanaflex - soma bras outlet

Anonymous said...

cialis online cialis online free trial - cialis online united states

Anonymous said...

buy viagra order viagra in europe - viagra online legit

Anonymous said...

generic sildenafil cheap generic viagra free shipping - buy viagra online no rx

Anonymous said...

order cialis online canada cheap cialis online pharmacy - generic cialis online canada

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online tramadol 100 mg high - cheap tramadol online cod

Anonymous said...

sildenafil without prescription viagra online yahoo answers - online viagra sales canada

Anonymous said...

purchase viagra no prescription can you buy viagra at walmart - best site buy generic viagra

Anonymous said...

order viagra online without a prescription purchase viagra online safely - buy viagra online with laser card

Anonymous said...

how to buy viagra online is it legal to order viagra online in australia - viagra online order canada

Anonymous said...

buy viagra reputable viagra online pharmacy - viagra dosage guide

Anonymous said...

order viagra online without a prescription where to buy viagra - viagra for women safe

Anonymous said...

buy viagra pills online order viagra uk - viagra online order canada

Anonymous said...

finasteride 5mg cheap propecia pills - propecia side effects rare

Anonymous said...

buy viagra los angeles buy viagra new zealand - viagra dooz 99000

Anonymous said...

buy cheap propecia buy propecia france - propecia side effects men

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol saturday delivery tramadol ultram pregnancy - buy tramadol forum

Anonymous said...

tramadol online generic tramadol ingredients - buy 180 tramadol online

Anonymous said...

propecia medication propecia side effects on prostate - buy propecia uk no prescription

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg order tramadol online usa - buy tramadol online mastercard

Anonymous said...

purchase tramadol tramadol ultram recovery - purchase tramadol with mastercard

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra 100mg generic viagra online pharmacy canada - what is the maximum dosage of viagra per day

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 617 - tramadol withdrawal hallucinations

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol 180 buy 300 mg tramadol - buy tramadol australia online

Anonymous said...

where to buy tramadol online buy tramadol online without rx - long does 50mg tramadol take work

Anonymous said...

buy propecia online propecia brain fog - generic propecia fda

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg cheapest generic tramadol - tramadol dosage in elderly

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol online next day - buy tramadol visa

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod overnight tramadol 100mg wikipedia - tramadol rx purchase

Anonymous said...

order finasteride propecia side effects 2012 - propecia side effects breast enlargement

Anonymous said...

buy retin-a online buy retin a gel usa - retin a micro price

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap no prescription tramadol for dogs long term - buy tramadol online from usa

Anonymous said...

tramadol online buy tramadol online next day delivery - tramadol hcl 50 mg narcotic

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online buy tramadol online usa - buy tramadol online free shipping

Anonymous said...

tramadol cheap best buy tramadol - tramadol 627

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol where to buy tramadol safely - tramadol 800mg ibuprofen

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg effects of 100mg tramadol - tramadol hcl pills

Anonymous said...

buy cheap tramadol can you buy tramadol in greece - tramadol 50 mg effervescent tablets

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol 50mg what is it for - is it legal to order tramadol over the internet

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50 mg buy tramadol online australia - tramadol 20mg

Anonymous said...

buy strattera online strattera erowid experience vault - strattera online

Anonymous said...

tramadol online ultram 50 mg tablet - does tramadol hcl 50 mg have acetaminophen

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap buy generic tramadol no prescription - buy tramadol without prescriptions

Anonymous said...

buy propecia lawsuit on propecia - propecia generic equivalent

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg buy tramadol cash delivery - buy tramadol online visa

Anonymous said...

viagra online viagra online us pharmacy - buy viagra online best sites

Anonymous said...

tramadol online where to buy tramadol in the usa - xymel 50mg tramadol

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50 mg discount tramadol no prescription - tramadol gotas

Anonymous said...

generic cialis ho comprato cialis online - cialis promise program

Anonymous said...

viagra online without prescription buy viagra online in us - purchase viagra las vegas

Anonymous said...

generic cialis cialis online from canadian pharmacy - cialis online lowest price

Anonymous said...

order cialis online buy cialis online nz - cheap cialis europe

Anonymous said...

generic viagra buy viagra with paypal us - viagra online 24 hours

Anonymous said...

viagra online without prescription buy cheap viagra us - viagra recommended dosage

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra viagra 0800 - buy viagra online from australia

Anonymous said...

viagra online without prescription buy viagra us next day delivery - buy viagra legally online us

Anonymous said...

buy cialis online cheap ok buy cialis online - buy brand cialis no prescription

Anonymous said...

generic cialis superdrug cialis price - best site order cialis

Anonymous said...

cialis without prescription cialis half life - generic cialis tadalafil reviews

Anonymous said...

cialis for sale order cialis from canada - cialis 40 mg online

Anonymous said...

generic viagra generic viagra work - buy viagra from us

Anonymous said...

generic viagra online cheapest viagra online pharmacy - buy viagra vizag

Anonymous said...

cialis 20mg generic cialis mens health - secure tabs online cialis 20 mg

Anonymous said...

generic viagra online viagra no prescription canadian pharmacy - buy viagra online us no prescription

Anonymous said...

generic cialis 20 mg cialis daily use - cialis daily tablet

Anonymous said...

cialis 20mg cialis daily available nhs - cialis online without

Anonymous said...

generic cialis cheap cialis in the usa - buy generic cialis online review

Anonymous said...

buy cialis order cialis online pharmacy - how much cialis daily

Anonymous said...

soma generic soma muscle cream - soma discount code 2011

Anonymous said...

cialis online usa should you buy cialis online - cialis one a day

Anonymous said...

buy soma online san francisco soma lofts for sale - soma drug recreational

Anonymous said...

buy soma online crystal castles soma san diego 2012 - soma muscle relaxer withdrawal

Anonymous said...

cheap cialis cialis daily new zealand - cialis daily vs. 36 hr

Anonymous said...

viagra online buy herbal viagra online - generic viagra vs viagra

Anonymous said...

soma generic soma san diego owner - generic soma imprints

Anonymous said...

viagra online buy generic viagra online cheap - viagra 25mg

Anonymous said...

buy soma online canadian online pharmacy+soma - buy generic soma no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy somas soma of a neuron - soma online texas

Anonymous said...

soma 350 mg buy soma online in florida - buy soma generic

Anonymous said...

buy soma can i buy soma online - buy soma in usa

Anonymous said...

buy soma online buy soma online canadian pharmacy - soma what drug class

Anonymous said...

soma online discount soma - soma discount offer

Anonymous said...

where can you buy retin-a retin a no prescription needed - retin a cream directions

Anonymous said...

soma medication buy soma underwear - soma muscle relaxer menstrual cramps

Anonymous said...

soma online where to buy soma bras - buy somatropin online usa

Anonymous said...

soma cheap parking for soma san diego - soma records

Anonymous said...

buy soma online soma muscle relaxer for dogs - discount for soma

Anonymous said...

buy generic tramadol online safe order ultram online - buy tramadol online us pharmacy

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod fedex tramadol hcl vs vicodin - tramadol hcl 50mg for dogs

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online can you buy tramadol over the counter usa - order tramadol visa

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50 mg vs 37.5 - legal buy tramadol online usa

Anonymous said...

where to buy tramadol tramadol hcl 50 mg picture - buy tramadol in canada

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg tramadol hcl ep - buy tramadol online without prescriptions uk

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap tramadol withdrawal chest pain - tramadol ultram fibromyalgia

Anonymous said...

buy retin a retin a acne pill - retin-a headaches

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without a script order tramadol 100mg - tramadol brand name

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol overnight tramadol dosage for people - tramadol for dogs after neutering

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online mastercard tramadol online uk - tramadol hcl 50mg narcotic

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol tramadol hcl 200 er - tramadol for getting high

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol tramadol 50mg dogs humans - buy tramadol in u.s

Anonymous said...

tramadol online overnight buy tramadol pet - tramadol zoloft drug interaction

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol rx buy tramadol paypal - can you buy tramadol over the counter in usa

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol hcl 50 mg tablet side effects - tramadol sr 100 mg side effects

Anonymous said...

where to buy tramadol online buy tramadol hcl - buy tramadol usa